What every Muslim parent needs to know about sexual abuse

　　Sexual abuse is a scary word. When most people hear the phrase, they immediately cut off emotionally and stop listening. Why? People are afraid because they don’t know much about the topic and do not want to feel powerless. We hope and pray that this will never happen to our children, but Allah has given us a brain and we are supposed to use it. Like the well-stated Prophetic narrationnarrated by Ibn Hibbaan that a man asked the Prophet whether he should fetter his camel or would dependence on Allah suffice in retaining the beast. The Prophet answered: "Fetter it and depend (on Allah)."This direct command given by the Prophet leaves no doubt as to the necessity of working the cause while adopting dependence on Allah.

　　It is our responsibility to educate ourselves on this topic so that we can check Qadar (Islamic view of Divine preordainment) with Qadar. Take a look at the following statement regarding Qadar and our responsibility to act.

　　It had been narrated that 'Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab, may Allah be pleased with him, went back with the people and did not enter Syria when the plague spread there. Abu ‘Ubaydah Ibn Al-Jarraah, may Allah be pleased with him, said to 'Umar: “O Ameerul- Mu’mineen (the Commander of the Believers), are you running away from the Decree of Allah?” 'Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, said: “If only someone other than you had said this, O Abu ‘Ubaydah! Yes, we are running away from the Decree of Allah towards the Decree of Allah. Do you not see that if you had a camel and you came to a valley where there were two patches of land, one green and fertile, and the other dry and barren, if you let it graze in the green land, you do so by the decree of Allah, and if you let it graze in the dry land, you do so by the decree of Allah” [Al-Bukhari]

　　Closing our eyes and hiding away from the topic is really like giving up. Obviously, Allah has granted us with the capacity to use our brain, so we must act. Child sexual abuse is when the child is used at an object for some kind of sexual satisfaction by an adult or older child (by five years old). The abuser uses manipulation, threats, exploitation and even physical force.

　　Let’s look at the different ways in which the predator takes advantage of his victims.

　　1. Blackmail: “I will tell your father that you were naughty if you don’t let me play this game with you, of course they are going to believe me because you are always telling lies.”

　　The sexual abuser is seriously sick and will continue abusing children sexually until he is caught. His senses are heightened because he is following his perverted desires without caring about who he hurts to satisfy himself sexually. He is swimming in a sea of sin and oppression where an evil thing is the most attractive way of fulfilling his insecure desires. His perverted desires have taken him to levels that are hard to ever imagine. And the children that he touches are scared forever unless they let their parents or trust family members know what is happening.

　　The child must be empowered; this is his right to stand up for his Allah-given rights not to be abused. They have a right to be educated.

　　Trust and honor are very sacred in Islam. Because these are powerful tools, this is one of the main tools of the offender. They will start to develop friendship with the child trying to be someone special in the child’s life. He is skating on thin ice, but his perverted satisfaction is like a hungry lion looking for food, never satisfied completely until he has manipulated this trust in order to fulfill his or her sexual gratification.

　　It is important not to stereotype these offenders. They are from every kind of background. They encompass all races and socio-economic groups. Though the rate of sexual abuse is lower in Muslim countries, it does not mean that it doesn’t happen. So whether you live in a non-Muslim country or a Muslim country you need to know this information.

　　The Prophet said: “Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The leader is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock; a woman is the shepherd in the house of her husband and is responsible for her flock…” [Al-Bukhari, Muslim and others]

　　It is imperative that parents never ever believe the lies that children secretly want to be abused. This is one of the most violating acts that a child could ever feel in his or her life. Generally speaking, most sexual abusers are older and understand what they are doing. It is imperative that you never ever blame a child for the offense. A parent’s reaction can have everlasting effects on the child either way. They could either lower the rope to help the child out of the deep dark hole, or they could be the one who lets him rot forever in shame and guilt that affects the child possibly for the rest of his or her life.

　　A Muslim poet once wrote,

　　“Our children are our hearts, walking among us on the face of the earth. If even a little breeze touches them, we cannot sleep for worrying about them.”

　　In addition, children do not lie about being sexually abused. Children do not make up stories that are scary and ugly. It is far from anything they could imagine.

　　Generally speaking, the offender is very secretive about these abuses. In order to protect the child he needs to coherce through the above methods so there will not be any evidence of a fight. If there were bruises or marks, this would incriminate the abuser.

　　It is impetrative that children are empowered by knowing that their body is theirs, staying in tune with what kind of touch is ok, having the right to stand up to the offender, and letting him or her know there are no secrets and he or she is going to tell. It is our responsibility to let our children know that they can tell us about what has happened to them.

　　Part three will deal with the typical characteristics of the sexual abuser.

　　By: Lynn Jefferies